Illustration of a young person with dark curly hair reading intently in a library. They are positioned between rows of bookshelves, holding an open pink book while surrounded by pastel-coloured books in soft blues, yellows, greens, and pinks. The person is wearing a white shirt with green trim and is absorbed in their reading.

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Processing your emotions

It is normal to react strongly if your partner’s trans identity comes as a shock.

Acknowledging your partner’s courage

Your partner’s choice to share such an intimate part of themselves with you is ultimately an immense act of trust.

Starting the conversation

  • What does being trans mean to you?
  • How do you think things may change between us?
  • What’s been the hardest part of keeping this to yourself?

    • It is equally important to express your own feelings honestly.

    Avoid harmful responses

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    The early stages of transition

    When your partner first comes out, they may not yet be fully certain of their identity and transition plans.

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    If your partner has yet to transition, they may be excited and anxious to start their transition right away, especially if they have struggled with gender dysphoria for years or decades.

  • Which changes need to happen immediately (e.g. a change in their gender expression, starting hormones).
  • What can wait until later (e.g., legal name changes, surgery).
  • What’s open to flexibility or negotiation, such as delaying medical steps until after having biological children.

    • Being stealth and in the closet

    Trans people who have transitioned have to make decisions on who to inform of their trans status.

    Navigating uncertainties

    If your partner has yet to embark on their journey on transition, they might not have all the answers about their transition yet.

    Acknowledging your own needs

    While some cis partners feel neutral or positive about their partner’s transition, it is also normal to experience the opposite.

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    Maintaining open communication

    Your trans partner may have spent a lot of time internally processing their identity and the steps of their transition, but they need to share these thoughts with you too to maintain trust and intimacy.

  • “I feel nervous about how our families might react. Can we discuss how to handle those conversations together?”
  • “I want to support you, but I also need time to adjust to some of the changes.”
  • “I’m afraid I cannot see myself being attracted to a man, but I want you to do what makes you happy, and I will always be here as your friend.”

    • Exploring your sexualities

    Transition comes with new uncertainties but also new possibilities.

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    How will others react?

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  • Give them space to express their confusion and fears — you might have processed it, but they have not
  • Have multiple questions months after the sharing, as they seek to clarify
  • Tell family and friends about what being trans means
  • Set boundaries with those who refuse to respect your partner’s identity
  • Offer your partner reassurance that you’re on their side, even if others aren’t

  • Practice privately: If you’re struggling with pronouns or a new name, rehearse on your own until it feels natural. Practice using their name in sentences or journalling about them with the correct pronouns.
  • Apologise and move on: If you make a mistake, briefly correct yourself and continue the conversation. For example: “She—sorry, he—said it was a good idea.” Don’t excessively apologise as it will only make things more awkward.
  • Have a deeper conversation about repeated mistakes: If you make mistakes repeatedly, speak to your partner and let them know that you are sorry, and that you are putting in the time and effort to unlearn old habits of gendering them. Let them know you may need more time, but that you love them, see them as their gender, and believe the situation will improve over time.
  • Encourage others: Help friends, family, and coworkers learn and use your partner’s correct pronouns. Politely correct others when they slip up, taking the pressure off your partner to constantly advocate for themselves.

  • Change their contact name: Update their name in your phone, email, and social media accounts to reinforce the habit.
  • Speak it often: Use their name in conversation, even when it feels unfamiliar at first. This helps normalise it for both of you.

  • Compliment their new appearance: If your partner tries a new hairstyle, outfit, or makeup look, notice and appreciate their effort.
  • Note positive changes: Transitioning can improve mental health and emotional well-being. If you notice they’re happier or more at ease, let them know.
  • Mark milestones: Celebrate when your partner starts hormones, updates their legal name or sex, or achieves a personal goal. A small celebration can mean a lot.
  • Support gender euphoria: When your partner experiences moments of joy connected to their gender, such as being gendered correctly by strangers — share their joy with them.
  • Remember what holds you together: Take time to do what you enjoy doing together, and explore new things to grow your relationship.

  • “It was so brave of you to do this, you have really come so far and I love this new you.”
  • “I love seeing you so happy—it makes me love you even more.”
  • “I know we have our tough times, but thank you for being truthful and living as who you are with me.”

    • Dealing with social and medical transition

    Your trans partner may encounter social stigma and rejection during transition.

    Beyond transition

    Don’t ignore your own problems

    Some partners of trans people sometimes keep their own problems to themselves out of fear of further burdening their partners.

    Set boundaries

    Find other forms of support

    Create a life beyond your partner — including finding friends who you can spend time with and lean on in times of need.

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