Coming out

Coming out, like many parts of the transgender experience, is a deeply personal event. Some people choose to come out before even beginning medical transition, while others do it once they feel like they are unable to hide their identity. No two coming outs are the same. Whatever stage of your transition you come out at, who you come out to, and whether you come out at all are all aspects that deserve careful consideration and preparation. Whatever you decide, we hope that this page will be able to lend some perspective and reassurance.

What to consider when coming out

Safety

Your safety and well-being should always come first.

Before coming out, assess your environment and the potential reactions of those around you. If you live in a household or community that may react negatively or even violently, it may be safer to delay coming out until you have a support system or a safe space to turn to.

"My friends were very open, encouraging and accepting of me, and they helped me overcome my fear of coming out. Without them, I would not have gone ahead! Try to find a strong supportive system, and don’t be afraid of who you are. Find an accepting friend if your family isn’t supportive. Never forget that you’re a person worthy of a life that’s yours!” — Emily Mei (she/her)

Who to come out to

Coming out can feel overwhelming, so it helps to start small.

Begin by sharing your truth with a select few trusted friends or family members who you believe will be supportive. They can provide emotional support and help you navigate conversations with others.

When it comes to family, their reactions to other transgender people (in the media or real life) are not always a good indicator of how they might react to knowing that you are trans.

Someone who often spouts anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric may react completely differently when the trans person is someone whom they know and love; conversely, someone who seems extremely LGBTQ-friendly may find this acceptance severely tested when it’s their own child or partner whose transition will directly impact their life.

Avoid making assumptions about how others will react. People will surprise you — in both good ways and bad.

Should you come out?

Coming out doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone in your life.

If you don’t see certain extended family members often, it may not be necessary to come out to them. If your parents are supportive, they can help facilitate conversations with other relatives when the time is right.

Whatever the case, always prioritise your own safety.

How to come out

Consider putting it in writing

If face-to-face conversations feel intimidating, consider writing a letter, email, or text message to come out.

This allows you to express your thoughts clearly and gives the recipient time to process the information before responding. If you feel that a coming-out conversation with your family might get emotionally charged, this is also a great option for you to express yourself without interruption.

“When I was coming out to my colleagues at my old workplace, I wrote up a note to tell them about what this meant for me, with a series of answers to frequently asked questions. Doing it in person felt very intimidating, and I felt like I could express myself better in words.” — Ellis (she/they)
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Before you come out

Before actually coming out, you should have a good idea of what you wish to express to the people you are coming out to.

While this will differ from person to person, these are points you may wish to cover:

Telling them that you are transgender, and what this means for you.

How long you have been handling this — mention that it is not just a whim, but something you have put a lot of thought into.

You may wish to let them know if you are pursuing or intend to pursue medical transition, or you may prefer to leave this discussion to a later time.

Make it clear if you want them to keep this information private.

Recognise that they may have many questions, and let them know that they can speak to you.

Assure them that you are still the same person and always will be, no matter what name you go by or how your body may change.

Affirm your love and care for them, and your desire to continue having them in your life.

Recognise that this may come as a shock to them.

Tailor your message to address specific concerns they may have.

If you’re coming out to your parents and they might be prone to believing it’s their fault due to unusual aspects of your upbringing, assure them that this is not the case.

  • Additionally, you can use our I’ll Walk With You resource to explain what this all means to your parents and family members.
  • Check if they would like additional support. TransSG, SAFE and Oogachaga runs a support group, My Family Matters, for parents and loved ones. Aside from bimonthly events, it offers a 1-to-1 meet up for parents to meet other parents of trans kids.
  • If you are a religious person, you could reaffirm your commitment to your faith while being steadfast about your gender identity, if you so wish.
  • Additionally, if the people around you are progressive and believe that being transgender merely reinforces sexist stereotypes, or might suspect you’re just gay, explain why this is not the case.
  • If they are the intellectual sort, it may help to include some of the scientific and medical studies around transgender issues. (You can find these in our Resources section.)

    • “One day, while I was talking to my mother about my therapy sessions, I accidentally revealed that I needed to tell my therapist something. My mother pestered me to tell her what it was, and I gave in. At that moment, I felt like I was having a heart attack — I admitted that I wanted to be a boy. My parents didn’t take me seriously then, but I think they’ve eased into it now. Don’t let anyone discourage you from being yourself, even if they’re a friend or family member. The time will come when you feel safe enough to come out!” — Kenji (he/him)

    Society can often be hostile to transgender people.

    Coming out will always be a risk process; if safety is a serious concern, consider bringing a trusted friend when you come out or preparing an exit plan.

    Frequently asked questions from friends and family

    When you come out, be prepared for questions from friends and family.

    Common questions might include:

    How long have you known?
    Are you sure this isn’t just a phase?
    What does this mean for your future?

    If you have not already done so, learn more about transgender issues so that you can be prepared to answer questions and concerns that people are likely to have.

    Most negative reactions stem from ignorance, stereotypes and misinformation about transgender people, and it would help if you have the knowledge to educate them.

    “If you’re sure about who you are, your loved ones deserve to know the truth… the people who truly love you will eventually overcome their prejudices and love you for who you are. Have faith in them!” — Jiawei (any/all pronouns)

    Having thoughtful, honest answers can help ease their concerns and foster understanding. Resources like I’ll Walk With You offer guidance on how to approach these conversations.

    It might help if you come up with a list of answers towards these questions — one that is tailored for each particular context — like the workplace, or schoolmates, or with family.

    Unfortunately, not everyone will respond positively. You may encounter nosy or invasive questions.

    Strategies for handling these situations include:

    Not answering directly:

    Politely deflect or change the subject.

    Using humour:

    A lighthearted response can diffuse tension.

    Setting boundaries:

    If someone crosses a line, it’s okay to assertively let them know their comments are unwelcome.

    Dealing with microaggressions

    Microaggressions, also known as subtle acts of exclusion, are subtle, often unintentional acts of discrimination — which can be particularly challenging. These acts can happen when you come out, but may also occur after you’ve done so.

    Here are some ways to address them:

    Ask the person to repeat themselves

    Many cruel actions are born from carelessness, rather than deliberate malice. Asking someone to repeat themselves might make them aware of the hurt their words can cause.

    It might also help if you asked them to explain the joke. Forcing someone to confront what they think is funny helps them be more aware of the damage their humour could cause.

    Call them in

    Speak to the person privately and explain how their words or actions are harmful.

    Set boundaries

    If the behaviour continues, distance yourself from the person.

    For more on recognising and responding to microaggressions, you can look at this link: